Corpse Juice, Uncodly Oils and other Creepy Foods

Halloween’s coming up, and the blogosphere is abuzz with pictures of “creepy foods.”

So what are these creepy foods? Mostly heart, liver, kidneys, sweetbread, tripe and other “offal” choices.  Bones look especially gruesome in blood-curdling photos of chicken feet “clawing” their way out of bowls of festering broth. And in the month of October, it’s not just vegans who are calling broth “corpse juice.”

It’s a grave mistake though to consider these nutrient-rich traditional foods too creepy to eat. Traditionally, families honored the animal by eating all edible parts of it. It was the frugal thing to do, and people instinctively knew that “nose-to-tail eating, complete with organ meats, fostered good health. As for bone broth, it’s long been the ticket to healing anything that ails us. In South America it’s even said to “resurrect the dead.”

Truly frightening is the fact that millions of people are caught in the web of the bloodsuckers at Big Pfood and Big Pfarm. My motto is “If it’s got a label don’t eat it” because most foods that require labels have creepy ingredients. Far too many creepy products to name here, but here’s some top contenders:

• Trans fats. — Partially hydrogenated in Transylvania? No, here in the USA. But I expect Count Dracula’s blood is now polluted with them.  Perhaps they’ve drained his life force so much that he has only enough energy to drink the “fast food” of people with high blood pressure?
• Frankenfoods — Just say kNOw to GMOs.
• Undead Burgers — Witness those internet pics of a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that shows no signs of decomposing after months of sitting out. Clearly no need to ask, “Want flies with that?”
• Uncodly Oil —  It’s brown, it smells and is what you get when pollock liver oil rots and festers for months. Fair to say, it’s not a “codsend.”
• Caca Crispies — Proposed name for pet kibble, livestock feed and fish farm rations in which soy protein is mixed with animal doody. Slogan should be “Snap, Crapple and Poop.”
• Count Chocula — and other breakfast cereals from the dark side. Call them “Cereal Killers.”
• Ghoul Aid — Readymade, packaged and instant in a Lemon Slime Flavor.
• EdaMummies —  Chocolate-covered green soy beans. Wrapped up in smug health claims.
• SPLBLBLBLBT!  That’s a rude raspberry to raspberry candies. Dunno which is the creepiest ingredient — the high fructose corn syrup,  blood red dye, or the anal secretions from beavers.I
• Ice Scream, including Viagra flavor. Sold by Brits, but only to those over 18 who desire more than a stiff upper lip.   Call it Vice Scream.

Come November I’m planning to cook up cauldrons of bone broth from Halloween skeletons, and do taste tests of broth made from carnivores and vegetarians (just kidding!). The latter, after all, say they taste better. Bone Appetit!